My dad died when I was seven years old. I am now thirty-five. Twenty-eight years have passed.
And yet, very much where I’m at right now is a journey of unravelling of all that loss caused/led to in me, as I embark now on therapy for the first time. Should have got going with it a lot sooner but hey ho – here I am, finally doing it.
My biggest fear, I am discovering, is that God might not be enough. There is a huge void that I have tried so hard to fill with other things; even in far less obvious or more ‘wholesome’ ways, since becoming a Christian – or rather re-engaging with my faith as an adult and owning it a little more (aged twenty-one, on my return from university).
As these things are being stripped back and the gaping wound being seen for what it really is – and the loss felt rather more acutely than I was able to process as a child – I am faced with the question: Is God enough for me? Is He enough for my pain? Is He enough for this life?
I have had the theoretical answer to that question in my head for many years: ‘yes, yes He is; of course He is!’ I even thought I believed it with my whole heart.
But the more my heart is opening up, the more I become aware of the disconnect there has been between my head and my heart – and of the fear surrounding whether I will, indeed, find ‘enough’ in God.
Part of the journey is not even really knowing how to just let go and receive from Him – without actually doing anything. We are so unused to not doing.
All these messages of grace and of the gospel, which I thought I knew and believed – are being challenged in a way that I know is inviting me deeper in, deeper in.
It seems like there should be no contest, right? Of course we would say yes to the invitation of God’s finished work on the cross and of His unmerited, freely given, unconditional Love.
And yet, I do not feel somehow quite brave enough, quite certain enough, quite yielded enough to simply lean back and trust Him in the free fall.
The temptation is to want to escape – to choose a path of avoidance of the painful process and a way out.
Every moment, every day at a time. Hoping that He will keep me and hold me just enough until I am able to say a whole-hearted ‘yes’, free from fear and hesitation.
Crazy to think I thought I had already done this.
And yet, here I am – at this crossroads. A sort of crisis point.
I hope – I believe – that by His Spirit He will get me there; He will bring me to where I need to be.
florencejoy 