Tag Archives: pain

Stream of consciousness: lingering questions, temporary distractions, cracked conversations, fear & firsts. It’s okay not to be okay…

I get it. Perhaps more now than ever. That need or temptation to numb the pain; of considering things that would help you escape what you are feeling, of allowing the pain to be felt and travelled through.  I find … Continue reading

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Even after…

Mum’s death still hurts so much. It has now been eleven weeks since she died, suddenly and unexpectedly. We were not prepared. I have been busying myself with a to-do list at her house. There’s a long enough to-do list … Continue reading

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Is God enough?

“As these things are being stripped back and the gaping wound being seen for what it really is – and the loss felt rather more acutely than I was able to process as a child – I am faced with the question: Is God enough for me? Is He enough for my pain? Is He enough for this life?” Continue reading

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With Love – On World Mental Health Day 2018

I have experienced episodes of depression. Although they have, at times, felt random – as if they’ve come out of nowhere – I have learned that there is always a trigger for me, as well as a source. For me, my … Continue reading

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Open Your Heart / Invitation Only / Fearing To Thrive

“But what else can play in to our failure to thrive? What about fearing to thrive?

What if life’s blows have actually caused us to retreat back in to that closed bud? – that even when the opportunity and breathing space in between life’s trying times and circumstances arises, all attempts at opening up are thwarted by our own fears?

Fear is a killer. Fear can paralyse us, can’t it? Fear is like an industrial strength weed-killer, that kills everything it touches: it doesn’t discriminate between beauty or bramble, flower or thorn. It will go for everything and in our own lives it will eventually lead to shut-down.” Continue reading

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Something New / Open Your Heart

“I’m letting Jesus in to that place. I am voicing it. I am inviting Him. He is going there because I have asked Him to, I have allowed Him to. We are going there together.

And He is doing something new.” Continue reading

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Seeing & Feeling / Head to Heart

“Here we are, spring is literally springing up all around us. Blossom graces our trees, previously bare through winter’s seeming sleep. Fresh shoots continue to appear and many are now bringing forth colour and shape, texture and contrast. There are signs of life appearing all around: it cannot be denied; it is there for all to see; it is obvious and real and true….

….And yet my heart does not yet sing with the reality I see before me. I feel, as yet, unable to fully embrace the life that I see, the life that I know, the life that I cannot deny. The connection is not yet there. There still remains a numbness; the ground of my heart and soul still thawing after winter’s frost.

My faith feels thin. And yet I know what I know.” Continue reading

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Making Space For Grace…

“But I know that recovery is possible, restoration is possible, renewal is possible, redemption is possible, resurrection is possible.

I know I can be found again. Not by any wishful thinking that any of our past can be undone. It can’t. We must grieve our pasts and move on.

But we can be found again at the cross of Christ. We can be found again as sons and daughters of God, our Father. We can be found again because of what God made possible: when He came to earth as man, to walk with us and suffer with us, and suffer for us, paying the penalty of our sin and not-good-enough-ness and making a way through death and back to life again.

I will not find myself by pining for a person I may feel I once was. But I can be made new in Christ by facing up to myself – all the ugly bits, all the rotten bits, all the sinful, shameful bits, all the bits that have tried and failed and fallen short, all the bits that wished they weren’t, all the painful bits – the bits that really hurt – all the hidden and buried and dark and locked away bits. If I can see myself as I truly am and if I can truly face up to my own fears, failures, neediness, inadequacy and dependence – and relinquish control, relinquish independence – then I may be able to enter in to all that God has for me. Then I may be able to make space for His grace.”

“It is time. It is time for life. It is time for freedom. It is time for healing, for grace, for resurrection power. It is time for acknowledging my need of Jesus. It is time for laying down my foolish pride. It is time for repentance. It is time to stop hiding. It is time for fear to flee. It is time to let God in, to let Jesus in, to let His life-giving, death-overcoming, freedom-bringing, power-releasing Spirit in.” Continue reading

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Still More…

So, I had another go at recording one of my poems on Adobe Voice. This one is not a particularly comfortable read, not exactly ‘easy listening’… I wrote it 8 years ago now, so at a different point in my … Continue reading

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Depression (Part 5) – Light for each step…

It’s been a little while since I’ve written about how my journey is unfolding. I think that is, in part, due to those days that I have felt so sapped of energy that there has been little left to put … Continue reading

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Depression (Part 4) – Love wants to absorb pain…

Love wants to absorb pain. On Friday morning my son fell and hit his head against some shelves. I was in the next door room and I could tell from his cry that he was really hurting. I ran to … Continue reading

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Depression (Part 2) – So what now?

The next day, on Thursday, I sent an email out to friends. I owed them an update on our son’s progress anyway and I thought I would let them know that I was in a bit of a ‘dip’ myself. … Continue reading

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24 November 2014 – Follow-up letter to medical staff overseeing Toby’s care…

Good morning, Further to my last email I thought it was important to let you know that what I described as ‘sadness’ & ‘physical slumps’, in my list of things I’d noticed Toby doing are, I think, in fact related … Continue reading

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21 November 2014 – Letter to medical staff overseeing Toby’s care…

Dear all, There are a few little sensory behaviours of Toby’s that I have noticed recently, which then challenged me to think about any such sensory processing behaviours that I have noticed – whether a while ago or more recently. … Continue reading

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10 January 2014 – Smiles & news…

Toby has recovered well from his hernia op last Friday. We think the op has seemed to help his bowel movements, which now seem more regular, so that’s got to be good (even if you’d rather not know about our … Continue reading

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In Pursuit of Peace & Progress…

Have we said ‘I love you’ when the words are hard to find? Have we spoken from our hearts when they’re in conflict with our minds? Have we soared to higher heights when our dreams swoop to the ground? Have … Continue reading

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